Thursday, July 29, 2010

It's Funny Because It Didn't Happen To Me (This will offend at least half of you.)


There are certain things that will always make me laugh. Jack making his funny face, ( It is funny. Take my word), any random episode of Scrubs, and someone getting hit in the nuts. I'm serious, if you have balls and something bad happens to them in my bubble of observation, I will laugh at you. Then I will think about it later and laugh again.  Jack swung a lightsaber into my brother's danger zone, and dropped him to the ground, and I guffawed even though it was a little sad because my brother is only 12.  But its the nature of the beast, internets. I can't help it. And you can't either, that's why America's Funniest Videos has been running for a hundred years. That crap is funny.

My son has grown to be just the height where all his swings, punches, and head butts are balls level to a grown man. This has provided me with ample snickering and snorting opportunities. So many, that I can distinguish a balls injury scream from a regular old stubbed toe, or finger smashing scream. And in those times I don't even have to see it to chuckle, and later when I want to relive it and chuckle again I get to mentally change the circumstances to fit my mood. Its like Mad Libs of the balls. And it brings a smile to my face when even Zoloft can't.

There are those of you who might say: Scoff! You shouldn't laugh at such things, Woman! Our balls are sacred! You don't know pain like ball pain!

And to those I say this:  Dude.  I gave birth to a ten pound baby.  After 17 hours of labor.  Cut your balls in half, drive a truck through them, then staple them to your ass, and get back at me with your kicked in the nuts whines.  Because I win.  Granted I puked and cried the whole time, but still, I win.
And then another time, someone cut me open and took a human being out of meCheck mate, Balls-owners.

But that's not what I came here to say.

You know those moments when you are trying to convince someone that they are wrong and you are right, (bonus points for being obnoxious and arrogant about it), and just as you play your best card, the proof of your wrongness occurs? That sucks. Unless it happens to the other person, and then its awesome?


That just happened.

The huz and I were in the basement, and I was trying to chase the sound of a cricket around. Jay insisted it was outside the door, under the bulkhead. Then we debated about whether or not a cricket could fit its bastard little body under the door, and Jay was all, there is NO WAY a cricket could get under that door. (He built that door.) Its not possible. He waved a dismissive hand and spun away from me as a gesture of righteousness, only deliver himself directly into the path of the cricket, which he murdered by punching it into the cement floor. I'm telling you, Internets, the man is a damned neanderthal. But the sweet pleasure of reveling in the win? I could eat it with a spoon.

Well, do ya?

37 comments:

Holly B said...

LOL - Thanks . Needed that laugh!!

Karmen Van Derven said...

ha
yummy
i love the taste of being right
it's probably why i am wearing my fat pants

LitanyofBritt said...

Me too, its like imported chocolate. The kind with the booze inside.

LitanyofBritt said...

Glad to help. :)

Ami said...

Not offended. Snickering.

alabaster cow said...

you so win! and this is beyond stellar.

LitanyofBritt said...

Then you are in good company.

Alexandra said...

kinda like, "it's funny to me b/c it happened to you"

Loving all the award love you're spreading..what a special person you are, lit of brit.

LitanyofBritt said...

WOOT!

LitanyofBritt said...

Aw thanks, mwah!

Ratz said...

Ah! the taste of being right!! there is nothing better... tat's for darn sure

Dawn said...

I don't find humor in that particular situation. It must be why I don't like AFV.

On the other hand I love love love knowing I am right in any conversation, and take pleasure in knowing that I am right and you (generic you) are WRONG. That last word does not seem to come out of my mouth easily when referring to me. LOL!

Try putting two people who always like to be right into the same argument and then you have ....well, us!

LitanyofBritt said...

i must be adopted.

LitanyofBritt said...

True that!

Gigi [KludgyMom] said...

Thanks for coming by my blog. You are hilarious. Must subscribe. I find your brother getting kicked in the nuts riotously funny. And your description of your 2 birth experiences parallels my own.

Whenever my daughter is being a little beotch, I am sure to tell her that the doctor had to cut my tummy open to get her and to be nice to me.

imperfect momma said...

I dont understand it but I laugh every time that happens. Especially to my husband (hmmm maybe some underlying issues there? Nah.I aint that deep). My husband makes the funniest faces when that happens! Monkey Man has found the joy of punching everything he can (my boobs included...not cool) and has punched Mr. Man in the junk a coupla times. So funny. I guess since Mr. Man laughs too I am not as evil as I thought.

As for being right...dang skippy I love being right. I always hafta have the last word to. Man I am so wrong! LOL

LitanyofBritt said...

I haven't played that card yet. I'm saving that one, for when Nick Jr. and bribery no longer works.

imperfectmomma said...

Wait...forgot to add....dangit! I stinkin forgot...... Oh yea, I asked Mr. Man about the whole laughing at people when they get hit in the balls and he said he didn'tknow why it was so funnyeither.

LitanyofBritt said...

Sometimes, if you mumble under your breath as you walk away, and no one can hear you, it still counts.

LitanyofBritt said...

I bet. haha

Dawn said...

Adopted you weren't! I know, I was there!

FabuLeslie said...

You are exactly right about the balls-injury humor. Gets me every time. Poor guys. In the words of Elaine Benes, "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things!"

SumSum said...

You're right, I was offended...but only half of me. The half that doesn't have balls was throughly delighted...

LitanyofBritt said...

Which half has balls? hehe

LitanyofBritt said...

I know!

Katie said...

I love that moment when you are proven right and you don't even have to SAY it (you dont have to, but you DO, of course) because it's just painfully obvious.
Love.That!
BTW, I really like the new look! (EXCEPT... this disqus business. I can NOT use disqus from my phone. ACK! So, please don't think I'm ignoring your posts-you'll see proof in your stats...but If I'm not at work, I will have to comment on twitter or FB.)

LitanyofBritt said...

I don't really know anything about stats, and I hope nobody else does or their will be retraining orders coming my way. i'll have to look into another comment method, because you know what else sucks? I can't backtrack blogs with disqus. gah!

Kate@SurroundedByPenises said...

Checkmate bahahahahaha...three snaps in a "z" formation :)

Kerry said...

alabastard, you are so right. getting hit in the nuts is some funny crap! mostly because I don't have have nuts. and I have used the same thing...push a human out after 20 hours and the damn drugs wore off and then get back to me.

awesome post.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

I was just going to say that I loved this story, but then I read Kate@SurroundedByPenises's comment (holy hell is that right? Penises's?) and I just about horked Coke through my nose. Well played!

The Drama Mama said...

You so deserved to be the alabastard of the week. Scooby punched GC in the balls last night, and I fell on the floor laughing. He looked at me like i was insane, but nope. Getting kicked in the balls is funnier to me then the word poop is, and you are guaranteed a good laugh out of me everytime I say/see/hear the word poop. Ha!

TattieTats said...

Oh my gosh, that is too funny. I always laugh my ass off when someone's balls get squashed. My daughter is not quite at that ideal height yet, but I can't wait til she gets there. I still replay the best ball squashing from my son's toddler years. Great post! =)

Rachel said...

Is it bad of me that I at least chuckle when guys are hit in the zone? After a "natural" childbirth with no drugs... I think I'm entitled, right?

(So I sob hysterically with a toothache, but I was tough ONCE)

Gotta love when your little boogers get tall enough to do the head/nuts butts!

LitanyofBritt said...

*totally* entitled. Men have no idea.

LitanyofBritt said...

Be sure to savor it when the time comes. Thats the best part of having kids a few years apart. Prolongs the balls squashing.

LitanyofBritt said...

I know!

LitanyofBritt said...

Timelessly funny. Because we don't have them for the squashing.